I’m smack dab in the middle of Generation Y. From speaking to my friends, reading books, articles, and blogs and hearing the stories of readers, it seems that many 20-somethings struggle with expectations and challenges of growing up, from relationships to the workplace and everything in between.
On one hand, it helps to know that I am not alone in this. On the other, I hoped that such feelings would magically be resolved in a couple years. But that doesn’t seem to be the case…
So, I have a bit of a Type-A personality. And all the not-knowing-ness associated with the 20-something years (what’s my passion? will I get married? can I be successful and happy? will I be satisfied with where I am in 10 years?) isn’t sitting well with me. That is probably why I read so much on asset allocation, pour over my budget, and blog endlessly about my finances. Not because I value money above all else, but because managing my money anchors me. I won’t go so far as to say that personal finance is meditation, but it makes me feel less adrift in the great waves we call the “twenties”.
And that’s also why:
1. I’m beginning to study for the GMAT even though I don’t plan to go to business school anytime soon. Studying makes me feel like a student again. Sure, we’re all “life-long students,” but I find that sitting down at my desk and really study, even for an hour, makes me feel productive in my off-work hours. The test doesn’t care how good you are at other aspects of life. It’s just you and the test. Mano a mano. (Or, mano a examinacion). That kind of simplicity can be really, really nice.
2. I have plans to volunteer at a couple of nonprofit organizations this fall, not because I’m such a wonderful person who want to make the world a better place (I mean, I do want to do good, but that’s not the only reason), but because when I don’t have things planned, I would just sit alone in my room and several hours would pass. I’m not sure, however, if that’s a symptom of 20-something malaise or just a sign of laziness.
So, in conclusion to this very inconclusive post, plans are good. Feeling like a student once in a while is good. Channeling my need to control in an uncontrollable world to areas that will benefit me (i.e. personal financial management) is good.
But I’m also working to be at peace with feelings that I don’t like. Loneliness, uncertainty, sadness. There are a lot of things that I can do to bid my time until those feelings go away. I can pick up a good book, I can cook a nice meal, I can just accept the fact that bad feelings are a fact of life, and wait until they pass. I pray. It kind of helps.
So, I’m not the only one right? Anyone else feeling the way I do?
Well Heeled Blog 
Being in a similar position, I definitely understand.
I find myself studying for the GRE as well, though i’m not sure I want to pay for grad school. And my blog, though not oriented so productively, definitely makes me feel like I’m not just in an endless cycle of work/sleep/work.
I am looking at getting a dog. Is that part of your 20s, or is that just me?
It’s totally normal to feel that way while you’re in your 20s.
The only thing that is keeping me from feeling that way is this relationship I’ve been in for the past year-and-a-half. And even that’s only keeping me out of my quarter-life-crisis depression for hours at a time.
Being 20 is tough. It’s lonely. It’s scary. It’s finding out that life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. That being a kid actually was pretty darned great.
I’m also feeling really lonely right now. It’s my own fault for not making time for the few friends I have, but even now friendships are all “adult.” Talking about work and relationships… the older you get, the more “adult” your friendships get.
It’s tough, but I guess everyone has to grow up sometime.
TOTALLY. I almost went to law school just because the whole process (studying for the LSAT, visiting and selecting schools to apply to, applying, then attending for 3 years, then searching for a job) would give me something concrete to DO after graduating from college.
Many of us Gen-Yers grew up with our whole lives directed towards one goal: getting into and going to college. That was the end goal. Everything else – school, grades, extracurriculars, part time jobs, travel – was just a stop on the way (a stop that was hopefully and ultimately enhancing our college applications).
I found when I finally reached my goal – I graduated from college, got the good entry level job, opened up a 401k – I was like “well…so…what now??”
I totally super-manage my finances because it is one of the few things in my life that gives me a sense of control. It – like most everything else in a human being’s life – is all about feeling like you’re in control (which of course we never really are).
Oh, and it is tough, to follow up on Her Every Cent’s comment. I get lonely too, and wonder what it’s all worth. But actually I’m much less traumatized and aimless than I thought I’d be if (which turned out to be when) my 3 year relationship ended recently.
I’ve realized that we (I) am uniquely positioned to still feel like anything is possible and “I can do/be anything,” while I simultaneously have much more freedom and autonomy (financially and otherwise) than I did in high school and college.
Every time I start to feel bored, listless, lazy, annoyed, or lonely I think of all the women who are older than me who I know would KILL to have my life/lifestyle right now. I don’t have any kids – or even pets – that I have to go home to or consider when making daily of life-altering decisions. Every day is mine to spend – or waste – as I choose.
It’s scary sometimes, but it’s also liberating. And it won’t last forever.
Being a student is so rewarding. Constant challenges with concrete expectations and regular feedback. And if you are like most of us pf bloggers it seems, constant POSITIVE feedback, validation that you are doing your life right.
Now, where is my life instructor, grading me on how well I’m doing in life? I’m my own professor, I guess. THat’s tough Sometimes I’m so jealous of T, continuing to be a student.
We all feel this way, I think. Control our money because really, it isn’t that hard, and the feedback is right there in the numbers.
There are some really great things about being in our twenties, but it can be confusing.
“We’re adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?” [Grey’s Anatomy]
Oh i’m absolutely with you. I need to feel like i am *progressing*, otherwise all i do is sit around thinking about the distant future and how i don’t want to go there, lol. Studying for a degree (it’s taking me a good 6 years part time) gives me something to focus on and takes up my time. I’m constantly busy, i always have far too much to do, and that’s fine by me – i need that distraction. After my degree i plan to move straight on to a Masters, Phd, and then another degree (linguistics, yay!).
I love the idea of volunteering – i’d do that if i wasn’t so bad at getting out of the house. I do my best, and i’m going to plenty of clubs at the moment, so that helps. And during all of this, having an emergency fund currently makes me feel a lot better about the future… it’s like being followed around by a group of people holding a cotton-wool basket behind me should i fall. Very comforting!
Sounds like you’re dealing very well with those nasty feelings. They suck, don’t they? I feel the same, i get very lonely, and i find it hard to seek people out to dispel that. Bah. Study study study! 😛
Seems like a lot of people feel the same way. I know I do. I still work in academia, so I never really left the school setting. And for a while I was considering going the PhD route just to stay here. I don’t think I want to do that, probably never really wanted to, but it is the comfortable and safe route. MEG was right, we had one goal… get through a good college, and then what?
I think, honestly, I have been scared to move on. Now I am looking to apply to non-academic jobs and possible take the GMAT (another student thing…) but it’s scary! I know that if I don’t branch out I won’t be happy with myself in 10 years.
As I was reading this I realized that you really managed to hit the nail on the head.
It hadn’t occurred to me before but my newly found compulsive financial obsession is one of the few things in my life that I feel like I have control over at the moment.
You are definitely not alone.
I totally agree with you and everyone else who has commented. This is such a weird place in life. I have a full-time job, steady three-year relationship, etc, but I still feel lost, like I’m not really ready for this yet. I cried like crazy the other night because I just felt like I was on the path I was always supposed to end up on, but I don’t want it now that I’m here. I’m not talking about the relationship at all, that’s all solid and fine, but adjusting to the daily grind of M-F 8-5 is brutal, and it really does almost make me want to go back to school. Like Meg said, we were trained our whole lives to focus on getting into college and graduating. But if I did go back to school, I’d still have the “now what?” moment afterward. It’s hard because I know all the publications I’d love to work at are in New York or L.A., but I am not sure I want to sacrifice as much as I’d have to in order to live there — the costs of living are absolutely INSANE. I really like living in Austin, because it’s a wonderful and booming town, and the cost of living is very reasonable (and all my friends and boyfriend are here). But I don’t know if I’ll find my dream job here.
Last night my boyfriend, who is about to graduate from college, and I discussed joining the Peace Corps together. It’s two years and an amazing way to contribute positively to the world. We thought it would be a great thing to do until we figure out where we belong in the world, but we just found out they don’t guarantee placement together unless you’re legally married, and we’re not in a rush to get hitched. Ugh. So I don’t know. I could keep rambling, but I just want to let you know that you are SO so so not alone in these weird feelings. This age is almost as bad as puberty. Straddling youth and adulthood is tough. Hang in there, chica.
oh trust me. you aren’t the only one. that’s why i am STILL a student and can’t seem to stop being one.
i just started reading this blog recently and it’s been so encouraging! i’m about to graduate from college in DC and i have a job i’ve been working at part-time for a year now and that i was offered a full-time position at. but i’m not really happy in the job because i feel like i’m not living up to my potential or expections of myself. yet for lack of options, i think i will take the offer and just stick with it temporarily. but i have been panicking lately because i went from having all this interest and excitement in everything and now i just want someone to hand me a job…any job…
i think a lot of it relates to how our generation, especially those with higher education, do have endless possibilities. with nothing to tie us down, we can just pick up and move to the other side of the world or change jobs endlessly. but i think the sheer number of options open to us (me) is paralyzing – i’m just so afraid of making mistakes. and lord knows, there is no way i’m relocating back to my distant home. that would just be a step back or *gasp* failure.
i guess this all ties back to money though because it is the enabler – if i mess up, do i have enough to fall back on, especially since my family can’t help me financially? i feel like a lot of my peers don’t have to worry about money (i am at a top tier private school so lots of wealthy kids), and that makes me so angry and jealous. am i having to settle because i can’t have all these great experiences on my parents’ money? i keep trying to convince myself that the experience of having to manage my own money is putting me lightyears ahead of my peers, but it doesn’t feel that way…
[…] to write it, I can’t seem to finish it. But after reading Well-heeled’s entry on the Roaring 20’s, I figured it won’t hurt to put my feelings into […]
Holy Crap! Your post, Her Every Cent Counts comments, and MEG’s comments put some of the things I’ve been feeling in a totally new context… It has just blown my mind.
After college, I got married, moved to a new town with no job prospects, and then got a job I liked – all within the timespan of about three weeks. Big changes very fast! But after that, I was also hit with “well… what should I be doing now?” I didn’t realize the situation was apparently so widespread.
Lately I’ve been studying for a certification, working on side-projects, thinking about grad school or joining the Peace Corps. It feels really good to understand that these sorts of aspirations aren’t uncommon for people like me. Thanks for the great post!
Wow, the quarter life crisis. Being a 23 yr old and having graduated only a year ago I just recently began to feel this pressure. I thought I was the only person going through this kind of thing. After research and reading some blogs, THANK GOD I’m not. I’ve recently become obsessed with my finances for the same reason. I moved to the MD/DC area with my sister and although she is here I still feel so alone. We are 6yrs apart so we aren’t extremely close. I’ve been dating a great guy who has been throught what we are all experiencing and at time he provides relief, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Good luck guys…we are gonna make it through.
I totally echo your sentiments and questions about: what’s my passion? will I get married? can I be successful and happy? will I be satisfied with where I am in 10 years? Whenever I get together with some of the women I was in an organization with at college, the topic of finding your passion always seems to come up. One of the other questions that comes along with the will I get married, is the, will I have children question. I could speak a lot to this. I think I want to start my own 20 something blog…
Great post. I began to write a comment, but it got too long, so I turned it into a post on my blog. In the post I included insight I gained from visiting a shrink a while back about my control freak tendencies and being on my own. He helped me a lot. Anyways, did you know there’s a quarter-life crisis wikipedia entry? Here’s an excerpt:
Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
* feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level
* frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
* confusion of identity
* insecurity regarding the near future
* insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
* insecurity regarding present accomplishments
* re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
* disappointment with one’s job
* nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
* tendency to hold stronger opinions
* boredom with social interactions
* loss of closeness to high school and college friends
* financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
* loneliness
* desire to have children
* a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
Jaylin in Post #16 – I think that is my diagnosis!
I feel the same way as all you guys! Maybe we all are Type A personalities, or just too much of high achievers, or something. Here we are, well-educated people with great prospects, and yet we (or at least I) seem to panic a lot about the future. I control my money because I see it as a vital link to my future success. I often feel like, now that I did the school thing, everything is supposed to be like I dreamed… but instead I’m slammed with the reality of work, bills and more bills. I often want to go back to school full time – for now, I work full time and do school part time. It seems like it’s something to do that’s “productive” and will “get me ahead”. (Ahead of what, I’m not sure.) My BF of 6 years has to remind me that going out for a few drinks with friends is “OKAY” because sometimes I will literally think, “Oh, that’s not productive, it wastes money, etc”…. how weird is that? That must be the boredom with social interactions part. Further on that point, I also find it hard to interact with people who aren’t interested in the same goals I am. I seem anti-social, but of what benefit is it to me to sit around talking to someone about their kids’ dentist appointment or their gardening… I’m like, who cares? I’d rather spend the time trying to figure out my own life! When you’re a kid, you can spent hours playing silly games and loving it, but as an adult, it seems like by the time you drag yourself out of bed and get home from work, there’s a few spare hours to enjoy, but hardly enough time to do anything you want to.
Must be some sort of twenties crisis…. Personally, I think it’s that awful feeling when you’re looking ahead into adulthood and going, “this is it?!” My suggestion to everyone is to combat these feelings by making a life list of of things you want to do in life. For example, I want to work in Austrailia for a year or two. So everyday that I get up and “do the 8-5 grind”, I know that time spent/experience earned/money saved is going towards something bigger.
Good luck everyone, we’re all in this together!! Great post Wanda!
I just wanted to chime in and say that I feel the same way. After college, I decided to move back to my smallish hometown (approx. 200,000 ppl) for my dream job. I love what I’m doing, but when I visit friends in other cities, I always question whether I’m doing the right thing or not.
It’s also hard because I have such huge goals that even the progress I’ve made doesn’t feel like enough.
Cami- I have a similar “life goals” list. At the beginning of the year I sat down & figured out what I want to accomplish this year. I picked out things to buy, trips to take, books to read (& write!) and things to achieve this year. Making progress on that list does make me feel good and also reinforces that I’m moving where I want to with life.
TOTALLY agree. quarter life crisis sucks bigtime! your post is so timely since I was having a mini-crisis inside my head yesterday thinkin “gosh i’m 24” will be 3-0 in 6 years! so ridiculous & i know 6 years seems so far away but at the same time 6 years feels so near. i think it’s because i always envisioned 30 as a “mature” age where i’d have things under control (relatively) – financially stable, a career and not just a job, and a prospective husband. but somehow i feel nowhere near achieving these goals & it just frightens me to know that i may be stuck asking teh same questions at 3 -0. i think my biggest crisis right now is trying to figure out what i want to do as a career. i mean i can’t even go to grad school since i don’t know what to pursue. i share everyone’s feelings of loneliness, not being good enough or thinking that EVERYONE but me is still so clueless. i have my moments of feeling good about everything and feeling grateful for so many people and things in my life but at the same time, the questions about myself and what i’m going to do wtih my life & not being good enuf for anything are always at the back of my head.
Wow, I just read the list of quarterlife symptoms on Wikipedia that Jaylin posted and it describes exactly the way I feel!! Well, except for a “desire to have kids” – I don’t feel my biological clock ticking yet ;).
I distinctly remember having this conversation with one of my girlfriends last summer. We were about 2 months into our first full-time jobs and both of us were already feeling unfulfilled. Mid-conversation, we looked at each other and said “Is this it?! This is what we’ve been working our butts off for?!”.
I think that a lot of us feel this way because we were so busy in college that we didn’t really take a pause to think about what kind of job makes us happy. I know that I took my first job not because I thought it would be fulfilling, but because everyone else was doing it!
I am someone who often reads this blog but has never posted. But this is an important topic – and one I totally relate to! I graduated from college just about 2 years ago and have been in the professional world ever since. I have struggled all that time to feel like an ‘adult’. I, too, was one who always felt like I was reaching for the goal of finishing school … and then when it came, I wondered why I raced towards it. It was pretty disillusioning. I thought it would be short-term, too, for awhile. Two years later, it still creeps up. When does this feeling/life/situation become normal/okay?
This is an area that really lacks attention — people prep each other on how to go to college, how to get married, how to have kids. What about helping each other through this stage and what about talking about the truth around it: that this transition to adulthood isn’t quick, isn’t easy and isn’t glamerous? I think that because it is not often talked about (perhaps people forget about this stage?), there is a feeling of being alone in it. In reality, talking to my friends and reading blogs like this says otherwise. This is a challenging point in life.
A quote that greatly inspired me just following graduation: “Sometimes she wondered if everyone had a map but her. Did they all actually know where they were going? Did they have directions to this ‘happily ever after?’ And if they did know, why did they never stop? So what if she didn’t have a map. She had good strong legs, strong enough to chase the ‘happily ever after’…and a strong enough heart to know that sometimes stopping to enjoy the ‘happily righty now’ was pretty good too.”
So – not too much to add here in terms of inspiration but wanted to add another voice to the mix to say “No, we’re not the only ones.”
I so understand! I completely, completely get what you’re saying. This is so normal (as is apparent from everyone’s comments).
I’m 25. I have the job I wanted. I have a grad degree. These goals were accomplished after several years of working towards them, planning for them, wishing for them.
After I got them, I was really excited.
Then, at some point, it was like: wait, I’m only 25. What’s the next goal? I have no idea what the heck I want to be doing at 30, 35, 40.
I started thinking of buying a house, but the idea of being trapped in one place while I try to sell it, if I want to sell it, freaks me out. Then I think: well, what then?
And, of course, it doesn’t help that I sometimes think about celebrities or CEOs who are MY AGE and seem to have accomplished so much more. How did they do it? How did they know that’s what they wanted?
I’m almost 30 and I’ve felt this way ever since I graduated from grad school four years ago. I HATE my job, but I stayed in it for the money–without money, you are trapped where you are. Now that the money thing is resolved, I can do something else. I’m looking forward to my new zealand move this summer. It sucks cause even that isn’t really ‘my’ thing–i’m moving ’cause the boyfriend is getting his phd there. But it’s different, it’s exciting, and I have no other ideas. Seemed like a good a move as any. And that’s sad, that I’ve run out of things to do with my life at 29. I don’t want to grow up, in terms of kids and marriage and all that comes with it–I love(d) being the grandkid with loving parents and extended family doting on me…i’m not ready to give that selfishness up and take care of someone else! Time is moving faster than I can keep up. and I resent it whole-heartedly. To be 24 and in grad school again, to feel like I belonged somewhere and was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be in life, with a purpose…I’d give anything.
I relate to Meg’s comment. For most of us, our whole lives are ordered towards college. Once we finish, it’s hard to regain footing and reorient ourselves towards new goals and a different lifestyle. I got really depressed for the first year after I graduated college because I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I’m not actually sure I’m over it (the depression) at (almost) 27. So I have no advice.
A further thought to my previous post –
I remember being a teenager; I couldn’t WAIT to be sixteen to get a driver’s license. Then I couldn’t WAIT to turn 18 to legally drink (where I live in Canada). Then, moving out of my parent’s house was the biggest thing.
Now, I would do anything to be sixteen again – able to stay up all night and not go to school until 9 AM the next day, to a slack art class…… and my favorite part of the year is going back to my parents’ house, bumming around and eating festive foods.
I think sometimes we tend to spend time wanting and planning the future moments, instead of enjoy the current ones.
I think a lot of the posters up here (including myself) are long-term, planning people. (Heck, we’re in our 20s and worried about retirement!) I have to practice “living in the moment” a little. For me, this is almost a “danger” zone. But the other night, BF took me over to another couple’s house, and we just had a few drinks and relaxed and forgot about the worries of the world…. and I felt sixteen again. Carefree… a little buzzed, nonetheless… but we BBQed until 3 AM and listened to music, and slept in the next day. It was the best thing I could have done for myself, just switching up the 8-5 routine.
A also think part of our “problem” if, you want to call it that, is that we “KNOW BETTER”. Sometimes I envy my future sister-in-law, who is 25, works a crappy fast-food job, blows paycheques on booze and parties non-stop. I don’t envy what she does, but I can’t believe someone could be my age and be so…. oblivous. Not worried about tomorrow. She doesn’t stress about things I do, like retirement, or asset allocations, etc. The stock market means nothing to her, she just doesn’t understand the business world, therefore it doesn’t worry her. And therefore she is able to enjoy life in a way I cannot right now. (Not to say that will last – it’ll crash someday.) My point is, our knowledge compels us to be responsible for ourselves. I am glad I am educated and financially sound, but with it comes some of this responsibility/depressed/panicky/too-seriousness. Our challenge is to learn to manage our responsibility in such a way we can enjoy the real things in life….. and this probably takes years to accomplish.
I just wanted to co-sign everything that everyone else (including yourself) have stated about this topic. This post and the comments describe how I feel almost perfectly, I ask myself everyday is this it? I did all of that, experienced those lessons, for this??? You have got to be shi**ing me…. I constantly set new goals for myself, (the latest, principal by 30) strictly out of boredom. I too just signed up to volunteer because I found myself just sitting in my house. In addition, I recently looked into purchasing a dog as well (similar to the commenter)… Someone should write a book about this quarter life crisis it is a very very serious matter. What do the goal setters and achievers do now? What is left for the Gen- Yers when they accomplish at 24 what they parents accomplished in their late 40s and early 50s or some still are striving for?????
Thanks for writing this post….. It is great to know I am not alone in my thinking……..
I do find myself getting worried about what is ahead of me in life…”am i doing this right?”
I think I also miss being a student…not in the pulling all nighters sort of way, but I do wish I was learning more, and that I had retained more of what I learned during college. It’s weird, when you get to this point and you think about regrets of what you did or didnt do, and realize that you’re at the point where you need to start being a responsible adult. It’s weird, that’s all I know. I think it helps to share these sorts of feeling with people (friends, family, strangers like you on the internet) and to realize that we’re not the only ones that are feeling this way.
I totally agree with this
Managing my finances, organizing my personal life, decluttering and managing my career are all things that help me feel in control
It just hit me today that I’m 26 and I’ve passed the quarter mark but I don’t know what’s ahead. I feel like I haven’t done enough with my life, seen enough of the world, and conquered what it seems like 20-somethings do – conquer the world!
The last paragraph about dealing with lonliness, sadness and uncertainity hit close to home. I’ve been crying every now and then the last few days. I’m 26 officially and I’m struggling just to get by and make more money. I thought the 20s were supposed to fun, glamourous and exciting – I sometimes don’t know how the girls on Laguna Beach or The Hills have it so well put together. I’m still trying to get my finances together, develop positive relationships and make money.
[…] 14, 2008 by wellheeled Thank you for bearing with me as I ruminate on things that are both far more complicated and infinitely less controllable than personal […]
OMG I feel SO much better after reading this post, and the comments. I just had my 29th bday last week, and I’ve really been hit with what the HECK have I been doing with my life – the 20s have almost passed me by and I still havne’t gotten over all the “symptoms” that Jaylin mentioned in post 15?
It really does feel like everyone else has the money, the jobs, the relationships – something to anchor them while they focus on moving forward , while I’m still floundering in every department of life 😦
Good to know I’m not alone.
[…] I thought, isn’t this part of the noise of the roaring twenties? How we are doing vs. how we expected to be doing vs. how we think our peers are doing? I wonder […]
These feelings are not restricted to 20-somethings. Get used to them, they will be with you for most of your life.
[…] In all of these cases, these are high-achieving people in college who went after the big jobs during recruiting. In most cases, having worked for a year or two or three, they have saved up enough to fund their traveling costs or start-up expenses. Self-discovery is a lifelong process, but these twentysomethings are getting a jump start on their roaring twenties. […]
Your post totally sums up how I feel or have been feeling for awhile. I totally have a need for control when in the real world everything is uncertain.