But relationships are hard. Or, mine is hard but it shouldn’t be.
If I am as good at being a girlfriend as I am at managing money and setting financial goals and all that jazz, my relationship would be the best thing since sliced bread.
Much like my “Make My Money Work for Me” list:
1. Don’t take on consumer debt
2. Max out Roth IRA
3. Invest in diversified portfolio
I’ve also made a “Be a Better Girlfriend” list:
1. Bring his favorite snack
2. Don’t pick fights
3. Don’t get hurt
Five years and I still can’t get it right. Slow learning curve there, right? Am I the only girl who feels this way? I’m good at a lot of things. I’m good at researching information. I’m good at keeping in touch with friends. I’m good at finding good restaurants. I’m good at Excel (and getting better every day!). And judging by my performance from January to March, I’m even good at staying under budget (gasp!). Why is it that how good he thinks I am is still what sets my emotional barometer?
Why is it that I can’t just trust in the fact that he loves me, and know that it’s not the end of the world if he says something remotely not-positive about our relationship? Why is money so easy, and love so not?
Love is so hard because it involves a person other than yourself, with his own needs, shortcomings and agenda. Money doesn’t come with baggage; we bring our own to it.
For me, the issue is control. I am very great at controlling my money and planning what to do with it. Controlling my boy, well, that’s not such a hot idea. Trying to force my plans on him also didn’t go over well…. Somehow I got past that and things have been peachy ever since, but it was some hard times for a bit there.
But I think strange bird hit the nail on the head.
Also, for “Don’t get hurt”, that can be a tough thing to accomplish (now, is that a S.M.A.R.T goal?) for me, but perhaps you can control how you respond when you are hurt.
‘Don’t get hurt’ will cause you to get hurt, in my experience. The more you close yourself off from that vulnerability, the more distance it creates.
Easier said than done, though. I just realized after a year and (almost) a half that I was doing things to test my boyfriend subconsciously–basically sabotaging my relationship…on purpose. I guess the thinking is that if I end it first, it will hurt less (my last boyfriend ended it suddenly and completely out of the blue for me).
I also flip out and take my boyfriends’ criticisms of our relationship VERY hard. It’s enough to ruin a whole night. It’s totally in my head and has to do with my confidence, I know. I’m working on it.
Ugh, I agree, money is SOOO much easier than figuring out relationships.
Completely understand….
Money is waaay easier than dealing with people.
My spreadsheets don’t talk back.
I am ON BOARD for not picking fights.
Sometimes when I feel myself getting frustrated, it helps to ask: Does this really matter?
If it’s just a discussion, state your point calmly (if you’re arguing about something), and say you see the others’ points, and leave it at that.
There’s no sense in picking and arguing in a fight that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but could hurt it badly in the short and long term
I agree that it’s a control issue. I think a lot of the young and female PF bloggers are of a personality type big on control–I know I certainly am. I like to be able to get things resolved and neatly stowed away, and that just does not work for my relationship. One of the things that I’m working really hard on coming to terms with is accepting that there is nothing to do after having a fight with my boyfriend but walk around for a couple of days feeling shitty until the feeling shitty goes away. I can’t go, “Okay, done now!” and stop feeling shitty; I just have to wait. I find this frustrating. But when I finally get square with the fact that there’s nothing to do with your feelings but feel them, express them, and, after cooling down, let your actions express them, I’m going to be a better human than I am now (more mature, more open, less passive-aggressive), and I’m down with anything that makes me a better human.
But it’s a process, you know?
I have to admit that it took me a few shots to get the whole relationship thing right….I think it had a lot more to do with me than the person I was even in the relationship with….Good luck!
I am definitely feeling the “relationship” right now. I am in the middle of trying to find a new job and the bf and I had agreed before I started looking that we were going to move. Well, I have found a job in the new location, but he has decided that he wants to wait a couple more years before we move. Now, I have found the perfect opportunity and he wants me to give it up. It is not as easy as I thought that it would be. I WANT the job and I WANT the bf. (it is not that I think that the bf is going to leave me if I move, butit will definitely make things a whole lot harder than they need to be).
My compromise right now is to try and find the perfect job here so that I don’t have to move and wont miss the other opportunity. Things are just much harder with two people weighing in as opposed to just one.
I have to agree with Sense. Having not getting hurt as a goal for relationships is absolutely impossible because the only way not to get hurt is NEVER to let anyone in.
Perhaps you should have instead the goal of loving yourself first. Like the financial goal “pay yourself first”. Put it before bringing him a snack. I promise, it doesn’t hurt as bad when he says something negative (it still hurts, nothing you can do about that) if you have your own positive and loving self-talk going on that can let you say ‘self, that’s just him being moody/depressed/angry/himself’.
-Suz
I hate to say it, but if you’re picking fights with your boyfriend and feeling hurt by his comments, odds are you’re just not with the right person.
Take it from a girl who had many bad relationships before finding the right one (and marrying him): if a relationship makes you feel upset, nervous, insecure, or irritable, don’t waste your time with it.
DC Laywer – But what if I am a nervous, insecure, irritable individual?
English Major – AH! Once again you are the voice of reason. More mature, more open, and less passive-aggressive are very admirable goals. I’m going to try my best in those areas too.
LJK – LOL. My spreadsheets talk back in the form of big red negative numbers when I go over budget.
🙂 I don’t think you’re a nervous, insecure, irritable individual. At least, I doubt you are all the time. A good way to deal with those characteristics may be to evaluate what situations bring those qualities out of you. Theoretically, the person who complements you is the person who naturally brings your best traits to the surface, and the person who does the opposite is someone who doesn’t really work with your personality. The same goes for behaviors. Certain behaviors provoke certain reactions, and it helps to understand why and when that happens. Then you can decide if those things can change, and how they might change.
I am a huge proponent of FB’s idea that you should stop and evaluate whether or not that impetus for the fight would matter in the grand scheme of things. I’m not saying you should never fight, or argue, because that’s counterproductive. What makes sense is deciding which issues are dealbreakers, and which can be low-key discussions. The dealbreakers deserve some passion, whilst the low-key discussions don’t, and that helps to delineate, within the relationship, that not every disagreement is a fight waiting to happen, and ultimately encourages productive conversation.
As for being sensitive to negative criticisms? It definitely happens. It’s one thing for you to evaluate your bad fiscal behaviors and choose to change them; it’s entirely another for someone to do the same, especially with regards to you and your relationship. That’s something I used to really struggle with until I realized that I’m highly cognizant of the fact that I’m imperfect, and that’s why I reacted poorly to criticism. It took some time, but I took the approach that we’re both imperfect, and we should (calmly!) discuss what behaviors are irritating to one another so that we understand each other’s triggers. The same goes for the relationship itself. So long as I view myself and our relationship as a work in progress, it helps me to take things a little less personally.
And Suz has a great point, if it applies to you. It’s hard to let people love you, or accept their love, if you haven’t done the same for yourself.
Er…. sorry to go on for eons! 🙂 Good luck, m’dear!
I agree with the comments above that it is an issue of control. For me it’s more an issue of independence. I don’t like when he does too much for me and I’m afraid of getting too close sometimes. I find it’s a contast seesaw and I have to remind myself to just enjoy him and forget about the rest.
I agree with the comments above that it is an issue of control. For me it’s more an issue of independence. I don’t like when he does too much for me and I’m afraid of getting too close sometimes. I find it’s a contast seesaw and I have to remind myself to just enjoy him and forget about the rest.
Msminiducky is right on!
OMG get out of my head! I also need to remember that my bf loves me and isn’t going anywhere, even if he doesn’t remind me every hour. Weird.
Came back to read the comments. 🙂 Wonderful comments. It is amazing how many people out there feel the same way.
Money is a lot easier to manage than love. because you can always put a number on money, if something cost $5, it’s easy to manage, if it’s $5 million, it may not be that easy.
Love is both priceless and worthless. When it’s good, it’s pricesless, meaning no amount of money can subsitute it. It’s worthless, because you can’t convert that priceless feeling into cash. When it’s bad, it’s also priceless, you’d pay just to get rid of the bad feeling.
I don’t have much good advice on relationships, so I won’t waste your time. Good luck with your all your relationships, don’t forget that great relationship you have with your money.
“Five years and I still can’t get it right” Wow, 5 years? Maybe he isn’t right for you. Try your strategy would work better on a guy who is better match. – Joe in Texas
“Love is both priceless and worthless. When it’s good, it’s pricesless, meaning no amount of money can subsitute it. It’s worthless, because you can’t convert that priceless feeling into cash.”
alot of divorcees would beg to differ…ha ha ha.
Just kidding, I knew what you meant.
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